6 Self-Compassion Exercises to Become Kinder to Yourself
In this article, I will share six powerful self-compassion exercises for adopting a more loving, understanding, and caring mindset.
This approach uses a top-down perspective, meaning instead of dropping into the felt sense of self-criticism, here you will learn thought-based techniques for shifting your thinking.
The voice in your head can either be your greatest ally or your greatest enemy.
Most of us struggle with thoughts that make us unhappy—self-critical and unkind thoughts.
Studies have shown that self-criticism is a leading force behind depression, anxiety, and even weight-related issues. One’s level of kindness for themselves may also impact how fast and well they heal from physical but also mental afflictions, such as trauma and grief.
Self-compassion is the most underrated tool we all have to improve our quality of life. And as a Mindset coach, I support my clients to develop a more self-compassionate mindset.
Table of Contents
- 1. Recognize Your Thought Patterns
- 2. Eradicate 3-P Thinking
- 3. Find New Self-Compassionate Beliefs
- 4. Reframe Your Experience
- 5. Make It a Practice
- 6. Turn Envy Into Inspiration
- Work on Self-Compassion 1:1 with Kate
- FAQ
- Why is self-compassion so important?
- What is self-compassion, exactly?
- What causes low self-compassion?
- Conclusion
1. Recognize Your Thought Patterns
“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it's me.” -Taylor Swift.
Larissa, one of my clients, struggled with a negative inner voice for years. It was almost as though she was addicted to the spike of cortisol that came when she spoke unkindly to herself.
“I’ll never find love, and I am going to die alone,” she might say with a mock cry.
This default, dramatic way of thinking and communicating served to feed the story in her mind that she was doomed. And when we dug deeper, I learned of all the other negative thoughts in her mind about everything from her appearance to her character to where she grew up.
During the course of 6 months of coaching with me, she changed how she talked to herself. Her inner dialogue became more complementary and neutral. And this had a huge impact on how happy and confident she felt in her day-to-day life. She took better care of herself. Oh, and she started dating again and having fun with it, too!
Before coaching, Larissa wasn’t aware of her negative, habitual thought patterns and definitely didn’t see them as the main source of her pain.
We ALL are like Larissa because we are all human. Our thought patterns are so familiar to us that it is easy not to question them. But bringing them out of the shadows gives us an opportunity to change.
The first step to becoming more self-compassionate is being aware of your negative self-talk.
You can do this in a number of ways. In a mindset coaching session, I would guide you through a series of questions to uncover some of your habitual negative self-criticisms together. But it is totally possible to do it on your own, too.
The Exercise:
In a note-taking app on your phone, create a note for recording self-critical thoughts as they come up during the day.
Make a mental note to listen in throughout the day. Some common times of the day that can be triggering include:
When you look in the mirror
When you are getting dressed
When interacting with others (from your bosses to your children)
When scrolling social media
When feeling stressed out or anxious
When facing a challenge or shortcomings
When you are tired or hungry
When procrastinating
When looking at your bank accounts or paying bills
As soon as you notice a self-critical thought, jot that baby down in your notes. This list is the roadmap to your transformation.
Once the list starts getting big, you may notice certain areas of your life or people that often trigger self-criticism. This first level of awareness will guide you toward places in your life that you may want to focus on.
2. Eradicate 3-P Thinking
Tony Robbins talks about the 3 P’s. People feel stuck and self-critical when they perceive their problems as:
Pervasive: A problem or area for improvement in one part of your life makes you feel like your entire life is messed up or that you are a failure.
Permanent: You believe that the problem or flaw will always exist in your life.
Personal: You think there is something uniquely flawed about you that makes your issues inevitable and makes you feel inferior to others.
The Exercise:
Look at the thought patterns you listed in the first self-compassion exercise. See if you can find evidence of beliefs you hold being Pervasive, Permanent, and/or Personal.
Now, try to contextualize these critical thoughts in a more positive light with the 3 R’s:
Restrict: Restrict the tendency to paint everything in your life with the same brush. There are areas in your life that are rockin’. And there are other areas in your life that can be improved. Give credit where credit is due. Remember that being perfect in every arena of life is not realistic. And you, like all of us, are a work in progress.
Real-Time: Everything is changing in real time. This too shall pass. Nothing stays the same forever. Consider the things that have changed in your life for the better and extend optimism to these subjects that they too can and will change, as everything does.
Relatable: You are not alone in your struggles. If you are having issues with something it is proof that others on the planet are grappling with the very same things. How do I know? Because you are human. Your experience is not unique, it's completely relatable to the experience of many if not most others.
3. Find New Self-Compassionate Beliefs
In a coaching session, when I ask a client how they might rather think towards themselves, they first get inspired by the prospect of a kind voice in their head. But sometimes, when they try on new, more positive statements, it doesn’t feel right.
That is because it is hard to go from really negative self-talk to self-praise. It’s a big jump. You need to create a bridge. And that comes in the form of neutral self-talk or believable self-talk.
It’s hard to buy going from something like, “I am such a loser” to “I am such a winner”. So try something self-compassionate like:
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“I’m on my journey, I’m on my way”
“I am learning everyday.”
“I accept that right now things are not the way I want them to be but I am working toward a better future.”
“Nobody is perfect.”
The Exercise:
For every self-critical statement you wrote down in your log, create a new statement that is either neutral or positive that you can also believe about yourself. And use the mindset shift that the 3-R’s can provide to guide you.
In our own heads, we can be brutal against ourselves. But we would never be so unkind to a good friend, a child, or anyone else in our lives.
That’s why changing perspectives can be so powerful. When we view ourselves from a third person position we can evoke compassion and understanding for ourselves that we may usually eclipse with self-criticism.
The Exercise:
Imagine if you found out that a friend of yours was having a similar experience to you and speaking to themselves the way you are now. How would you respond to them?
You may have heard about the 3-Chair Exercise. It’s the concept of bringing out different parts of your own psyche and allowing them to dialogue. It may sound odd. But it is super powerful! In my coaching, I might guide you through a similar exercise to gain impactful new perspectives.
You may be familiar with the journal practice for gratitude which involves 3 minutes of journaling each night about what you were grateful for that day. Well, it is just as powerful for Self-Compassion.
At first, it feels awkward and hard to come up with things to write. But with time, it programs your mind to look for ways to be self-compassionate throughout your day. It plants a little flag in your mind that, when you hear the negative self-talk creep in, reminds you of the neutral or positive alternative.
The Exercise:
Each night, pull out your self-compassion journal and write about three things from the day with a self-compassionate voice.
It can be about something you did, something you observed about yourself, or something you learned. It can be about something you failed at or struggled through. This practice helps you develop a kinder inner voice.
Here is an example, “I sure was awkward talking to that guy in the elevator. And at the time, I was feeling self-conscious. That’s ok, being self-conscious is a really common experience.”
Or how about this, “I was late to an important meeting. I mismanaged my time and then I got mad at myself. I’m only human. This stuff happens. I will try better next time to leave earlier.”
In today's age, we have so much access to really polished versions of other people's lives, highlight reels of other people's lives that we compare our own to. And so the Comparison Gremlin can rear its ugly head and be fuel for a lot of self-attack.
One really powerful self-compassion exercise to convert the experience of being triggered into comparison when scrolling your feed is by swapping comparison with inspiration.
The Exercise:
When you see someone else who is doing something that you wish you were doing or wish you had, instead of seeing them as competition or a reminder of what you feel you lack, see them as inspiration - or even mentors.
After all, they are proof that what you want is possible and that you can go in that direction, too. In some circumstances, might even consider reaching out and asking their advice on how they got there.
Are you struggling with self-criticism? Do you habitually beat yourself up? Lack of self-compassion stops you from feeling how you want to feel and doing what you desire in life.
What if I told you there was a way to help you reprogram your thought patterns and mindset so you can live the life you want?
I help my clients develop self-compassion. Working with me one-on-one, you will learn to deconstruct your inner dialogue and rewire how you think. Together, we'll remove the mental barriers that prevent you from living a full and authentic life.
Imagine how your life would look if you could hold yourself in kindness, no matter the circumstances. If that’s a journey you’re willing to explore, book a free discovery call today.
>> Book a Free Discovery Call with Kate <<
(wait, who’s Kate?)
1. Self-compassion helps you move forward
Our thoughts impact the state of our bodies. So when we criticize ourselves and tell ourselves we're not enough, we’re signaling to our bodies that we are under attack. Self-criticism is not just a ‘thought’, it can make us go into fight or flight mode, which then affects everything.
For example, let’s say I am being self-critical. I tell myself I'm not a good enough coach. I create a story in my head about not being smart enough and not providing enough value for my clients.
That could put me in a physiological state that is not only uncomfortable but also limits my ability to perform for my clients in our sessions.
I might not be able to access all my great training and intuition because I’m being self-conscious. And then ultimately, it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy by decreasing my efficacy as a coach. I then might not trust myself enough to coach. I might drop coaching or sabotage my business by coaching only for free.
I’d be giving up on my vocation for no good reason.
Likewise, when self-critical thoughts activate us, the body can go into a threat-response causing physical discomfort. Clenching in the jaw. Butterflies in the stomach. A sinking feeling in the chest. Honestly, it can feel best to just avoid any activity that causes that kind of discomfort.
Think about how many things we stop ourselves from doing important things aligned with our values: writing that book, applying for that job, going on that trip, asking for a raise, speaking up in a meeting, or speaking our truth.
We run from our inner state so much more often than from real threats.
2. Self-compassion helps you connect with others and feel safe
Ultimately, we just want to feel safe. Dr. Porges' Polyvagal Theory suggests that all humans want to feel safe and connected to others. But when we feel self-critical, less than, or unworthy, we struggle to connect with other people. We tend to withdraw and isolate ourselves.
This too signals danger to the body. Being part of a tribe feels safe, being alone doesn’t.
If we can tune our inner dialogue to self-compassion, to growth, to humanity, then we can start to feel safer and experience the world differently.
According to Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, self-compassion simply involves giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself.
It means being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake.
Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality or getting carried away by your negative thoughts and emotions, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”
We have something like 80,000 thoughts a day. And most of them are the same thoughts we had yesterday.
In our minds, just running over and over again, we can have a lot of negative self-talk.
Everyone does it to some degree, whether it is:
Harsh self-criticism: This can be harsh judgments such as “I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m not good enough. I don’t have what it takes. I’m doomed."
Comparison: It can be comparing yourself to other people putting yourself down, or it can be just feeling behind, telling yourself you don't have as much success as you should and other people have it better than you do.
Guilt or shame: Beating yourself up for having done something or having certain characteristics. Maybe you wish you were funny and charismatic, but every time you try to say something witty, you end up feeling stupid. And you might say, “People will never really like me because I’m not funny”. Just imagine what your best friend would say to that if they heard you.
Depending on where you're from in the world and the culture you grew up in, self-compassion may not have been modeled to you.
In my culture, it can be seen as a kind of weakness. People value being hard on themselves. They say to themselves: "Come on, just do it." or "Well, get on with it. And why don't you already know how to do this?" We think tough love is the way to success.
My culture praises hard work and productivity and often overlooks the importance of being kind to oneself. We were taught to think that taking care of ourselves doesn't help us get things done. But that paradigm is certainly shifting.
That said, not all self-critique is bad - but it is important that there is a nuance that makes the critique about action and behavior, and not personal.
That’s because we do need to take stalk and evaluate the outcomes of our actions. After failing a test, if you identify that you didn’t study enough or skipped too many classes, you can surmise the reason for your bad performance.
And from there, you can then devise a new plan for success in the future. You can skip the self-attack. And just look at the facts.
Conclusion
The quality of your thoughts determines your state of mind, and thus your joy and happiness.
Sure, external factors impact your sense of fulfillment and safety. But even someone who has everything can be unhappy. If they are, that’s because of their thoughts.
By working on our thoughts and thinking habits, we can enhance our happiness and healing abilities.
Changing your thinking is possible, but it's easier said than done. It requires retraining and rewiring your brain's neural pathways. With the right support, you can do it!
Hey you! Do you want to learn to be kinder to yourself?
Let’s get together on a 1:1 discovery call to discuss your goals and see if coaching with me is a fit.
